EP2: Relational Blueprint

Listen the Relational Blueprint Feelicy Podcast Episode

​​

Our apologies for this episode’s overall quality. We know it wasn’t an ideal experience, and we will ensure it doesn’t happen again.

Support Us and Listen on Spotify

Our apologies for this episode’s overall quality. We know it wasn’t an ideal experience, and we will ensure it doesn’t happen again.

Have you ever felt stuck in a relational loop, repeating the same dynamics and arguments no matter who you're with?

Why You Love the Way You Do: Unlocking Your Relational Blueprint

Ever found yourself wondering why you react the way you do in relationships? Why you might feel a wave of anxiety when your partner needs space, or conversely, an urgent need to pull away when someone wants to get closer?

These powerful reactions aren’t random. They aren’t character flaws. They are deep-seated patterns, and understanding them is the first step to transforming your entire relational world. This pattern is your relational blueprint, and its origins are explained by one of the most important concepts in modern psychology: Attachment Theory.

In Episode 2 of the Feelicy Podcast, we did a 15-minute deep dive into this topic. Here, we’ll explore the core ideas to help you start decoding your own blueprint.

What is Your Relational Blueprint?

Think of Attachment Theory like this: as infants, our primary goal is survival, which depends on staying close to our caregivers. The way our caregivers responded to our needs for food, comfort, and safety created an “internal working model,” or a blueprint, in our minds.

This relational blueprint is a subconscious set of rules and expectations about connection. It taught you the answers to crucial questions: Is it safe to depend on others? Am I worthy of love and care? Will my needs be met or ignored?

The strategy you learned to get those needs met in childhood becomes the default strategy you carry into your adult relationships.

The Four Styles: Which Resonates With You?

While attachment is a spectrum, it’s often broken down into four key styles. As you read, see which one feels most familiar, without judgment.

Secure Attachment

You see connection as a safe base from which to explore the world. You’re comfortable with both intimacy and autonomy. This is because your caregivers were generally consistent and responsive, teaching you that your needs are valid and that seeking comfort is effective. Your core belief is, “I’m okay, and you’re okay.”

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

Your core fear is abandonment. As a child, your caregiver may have been inconsistent—sometimes warm, sometimes distant—so you learned you had to “up the ante” to get your needs met. As an adult, you crave closeness but live with a persistent worry about your partner’s love. You might need frequent reassurance, read deeply into texts, and feel your entire nervous system activate when you sense disconnection. Your strategy is to move toward your partner to calm your anxiety. Your core belief is, “I’m not okay, but you’re okay.”

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

Your core fear is engulfment, or the loss of your freedom. As a child, your caregivers may have been emotionally distant or discouraged emotional expression, teaching you that self-reliance is the only way to be safe. As an adult, you are highly independent and see intimacy as a threat to your autonomy. When a partner gets too close, you feel suffocated and create distance through work, hobbies, or by shutting down emotionally. Your strategy is to move away from connection to feel safe. Your core belief is, “I’m okay, but you’re not.”

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

This is the most complex state, born from an environment where the source of safety was also a source of fear. The core wound is a deep internal conflict: you both desperately want and are terrified of intimacy. As an adult, this creates a confusing “come here, go away” dynamic, often sabotaging relationships just as they become meaningful because the belief that love is unsafe runs so deep. Your core belief is, “I’m not okay, and you’re not okay.”

The Anxious-Avoidant Dance: A Vicious Cycle

One of the most common—and painful—relationship dynamics is the pairing of an Anxious and an Avoidant individual. It’s often called the “anxious-avoidant dance.”

These Anxious-Avoidant attachments mixed into relationships acting like this:

1. The Anxious partner, sensing distance, moves closer to seek reassurance and soothe their fear of abandonment.
2. This pursuit for closeness triggers the Avoidant partner’s fear of engulfment, causing them to pull away further to protect their independence.
3. The Avoidant’s withdrawal terrifies the Anxious partner, who then escalates their pursuit.
4. This escalation confirms the Avoidant’s fear that they are about to be trapped, causing them to build an even higher wall.

Each partner’s attempt to feel safe directly triggers the other’s deepest wound. It’s a self-perpetuating loop that can feel like intense, dramatic passion but is often a cycle of mutual activation and pain.

The Good News: Your Blueprint Isn’t Set in Stone

Reading this, you might have had a powerful “aha!” moment—or a slightly uncomfortable one. But here is the most important message: your attachment style is not a life sentence.

Through a process researchers call “Earned Secure Attachment,” you can consciously update your blueprint. The journey involves:

1. Awareness: Simply identifying your pattern is the monumental first step.
2. Self-Regulation: Learning to soothe your own nervous system when your attachment fears get triggered.
3. Clear Communication: Moving from protest or shutdown behaviors to vulnerably expressing your needs.
4. New Experiences: Allowing healthy, secure relationships (with partners, friends, or a therapist) to provide new evidence that connection can be safe.

From Pattern to Presence

Unpacking your relational blueprint can be a profound, and sometimes unsettling, experience. It’s like finding the user manual to your own heart, and suddenly, past pains and present patterns begin to make a startling amount of sense.

The purpose of this knowledge is not to label yourself or others, nor is it a tool for blame. Instead, see it as an invitation to offer yourself profound compassion. Your attachment style is a testament to your resilience; it’s the strategy that helped a younger version of you navigate your world and survive.

The journey from an insecure style toward security is not about erasing your past, but about integrating it. It’s about learning to give yourself the safety and validation you may not have consistently received, allowing you to show up in your relationships with more choice, freedom, and authenticity. This work is a foundational piece of building a conscious and healthy inner world, impacting not just your romantic life, but your connection with family, friends, and ultimately, yourself.

Remember, your blueprint is a map that shows you where you've been, it's not a cage that determines where you can go.